you get me closer to god - part 2

Here is the sequel, as promised. I should warn new readers that the content is adult, although, again, nearly all the images are from mainstream fashion magazines. Most of them aren’t meant to be ‘sexy’ – that would be boring. What I really wanted to do was create something that looked as though it was made through my own specific sexual filter. I think everyone has their own way of translating images we see or things we experience in the world, and our own way of sexualising that input – and I wanted to show what mine looks like. There’s a lot of pain behind a couple of them, and I wanted to include that too. Simply to externalize the internal, if I may be so predictable as to reference Ghost World.

I couldn’t really come up with proper titles for these ones, as they aren’t based on personas, only ideas and my own experiences. But for the sake of clarity of reference, let’s call them… Submission, Hussy, Sext, Pin-Up, Femme, Prey, Lolita, Hades and Persephone, Mistress, and Little One (from top to bottom).

 

Most of the words in these collages are taken from my own life, with two exceptions. The text on the left hand page of my Prey collage is taken from a story by Angela Carter called The Erl-King, about sexual threat and the primordial fear of the forest. The text on the left page of my Mistress collage is from the song Home by Austra. I got the idea for the butterflies in my Submission page after I was sent a link to some sterling silver butterfly nipple clamps from Coco de Mer…which I know is a strange thing to mention on a blog that mostly deals in nail art and indie music, but still, fascinating, no? And I wouldn’t want to compartmentalise myself. It might sound terribly blasé, but I made some of these collages while watching Frasier - and that’s sort of the spirit in which I’d like them to be taken, I think.

Also, my friend Maija, who runs The Sequined World, has just released her gorgeous debut EP, Dust. You can download it for free on Bandcamp by clicking here.  She’s a very talented songwriter and has an innocent-but-knowing-angel-voice that makes me wish I was Irish. She even has a song called Persephone, which is sort of how we first started talking. So everyone be real cool and go check her out.

                                                                                             

things aren't as pretty on the inside

Sometimes my mind is dark. Sometimes it is twisted. There are parts of my nature that I think I might always have to apologise for to some extent, simply because they are politically incorrect. To me, the line between fear and fantasy is very thin, and sometimes non-existent. The things I am drawn to in literature, art, and music can be quite disturbing to some people, especially those who aren’t as emotionally masochistic as I am. In my real life I am a very extreme person, always pushing things as far as they will go before they snap.  It is hard for me to explain the pleasure I get from going to the edge of my own limits, my own sanity, my own humanity – or in seeing someone else go to the edge of theirs, through a painting or a song or a novel. When artists express something that, I can tell, has come from some raw, primordial part of them, I am always pleased – it doesn’t matter whether I think it is beautiful or not. It simply IS. I enjoy forcing myself to look at what is inside of other people, even if it makes me want to run. It is how I learn about human nature. I want to be that brave.

We all have things in our head that we cannot admit, even to ourselves – but I don’t want that to be true. If I could do one thing with my life, and only one thing, I would want to find a way to take every evil thought I have ever had, and every beautiful thought I have ever had, and throw them together in some hideous, perfect marriage, until they were inseparable, conjoined, merged. And then I would make everyone look. Because then they would understand.

Thank you to everyone who gave their thoughts about my last post. I’m working on a follow-up that will be slightly darker – but only because it will be closer to my core. It will not in any way represent my ideas about sexuality or love in general. There will be no separation between the parts taken from my dreams and the parts taken from my worst nightmares. It is just me, spewing my guts up, for everyone to see. If you don’t want to look, then just don’t. High-fashion, it ain’t.

                                                                                     

you get me closer to god

For a little while now I’ve been working on  a series of scrapbook pages based on different sexual archetypes, or personas in fantasy role-play. It started out as a sort of game between me and the man in my life. At first it never crossed my mind that I might show them on my blog. I made them just for him, to express my own ideas around each persona. I’ve left out the most explicit ones, but some of you might still find them objectionable, and I’m sorry for that. The reason I’ve decided to make them public rather than keep them hidden is because some of these pages are among my all-time favourites – and what would be the point in having a blog full of my second-best work?  The words I used are nearly all taken from books, songs, or poetry that to me, just fit in with each persona. All the images I used are from mainstream fashion magazines. Fashion is a surprisingly sexual industry, sometimes.

The characters I chose to explore are ones that I find artistically, academically, historically or dramatically interesting. From top to bottom, they are titled: Pet, Assistant, Maid, Virgin, Courtesan, Slave, Stripper, Captive, and Doll. I would love to know which ones people like…and which ones they don’t. We are such dirty, fascinating creatures, after all.

                                                                                               

touch me with your naked hand, or touch me with your glove

This is my latest shrine. It just sort of ‘happened’. And then when I noticed it was ‘happening’, I thought I’d add some things to help it along a little bit… seeing as I had zero spare creativity and absolutely no idea what to say in my next post. I thought I’d let my alter do the talking. Well…my alter, and the diary page that I tacked to the wall. Apparently I’ve stopped giving a shit. Y’all can just read my diary now. It’s so much quicker.

I was directed to this cover of the classic Leonard Cohen track by someone with whom I am at that delirious early stage of development, where you exchange music that can speak for you. I suppose putting it here might be a bit vain (HE THINKS OF ME WHEN HE HEARS LEONARD COHEN!!!!!) but I thought I’d do it anyway, because it is the sound of my life right now. It is in my head and in my walls, and hearing it may help you feel and understand things I cannot write about yet.

                                                                                       

friends do not let friends do crack

Some of the comments and other kinds of support that I get from readers of this blog are quite overwhelming at times. I never really have the words to thank people properly for all their kindness, although I do try. Having just passed the 300 follower mark (YESSSSSSSS!!!!! FUCKING YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!! SUCK IT, HATERS!!!!!) I’m also no longer eligible for the Liebster and Versatile Awards. I had such a blast doing those posts, and I’ll never forget how chuffed I was when I got my first one from Andini. I received a few more nominations recently that I never got to respond to, and I wanted to find some way to thank everyone for thinking of my random, bi-polar blog in their choices. I finally got an awesome idea from Elif, who has a lot of awesome ideas in general. The inspiration for this post comes from her. So… here are some of the amazing bloggers that I haven’t been able to thank properly until now for all their help, sweetness, wise words, traffic, and straight-up inspiration. Some of them are regular commenters, others have done me a solid with a nomination. I love them all. You will too.

In no particular order, I’d like to thank Corinne from Skinned Cartree, for all her insightful comments and friendship; Mish from MishBerries, for her amazing positivity and encouragement; Katie from The Gravity And She, and Clare from A Woman Of Substance, both for being so kind; Nastassia from I Dare You To Live, for her awesome musical suggestions; Bianca from Ditzy Sprinkles, Scarlett from Velvet Mint Lifestyle, Rosie from Life Being Rosie, Clara from Smiley Clara, and Lauren from Plastic Pastels, and Tiffany from Tiffany in Wonderland, all for their generous nominations and for being so cool. I suggest that everyone go round and start stalking all these girls. They are definitely the kind of friends that would never let you do crack.

                                                                                           

what made it special made it dangerous…

Sometimes we just have to do what feels good, even if it requires a greater surrender than we’ve ever had the courage to make before. Our darkness is as real, as valid, as beautiful as our light – never sharing that with anyone is such a waste of everything we are as humans. It may take a great, horrific leap of faith to let go of our own shame and finally be honest with someone we care about – but it is such a relief when we do. Whether that person understands or not – whether they judge you, leave you, or think you are  a nutcase – doesn’t really matter. Because it sets you free. If we go around denying parts of our own soul, flinging out a different set of lies to every new lover, friend, or casual acquaintance (tailor-made to whatever it is we think they want of us) then how can we ever hope to have anything real?

The past week I have been completely wrapped up in my own world. It’s hard to be specific about what is going on, because I don’t even really know myself. I do know that I am happy, and have very little fear of being hurt. It is incredibly ironic that the man I am most vulnerable with is the one I am least afraid of now. I have given him power, and giving him power has given me strength. I still have secrets – things it may take me a long time to tell him, if we get that far – but I feel as though I am growing, and that I am more me than I have been in recent memory. I am not so naive as to think I have no desires or expectations – but more than anything I just want to know that I went as far as I could, and that nothing was wasted.

I have started a new art project, at his insistence. I have always been shy about showing him my work, or performing in front of him, and he knows this. He gets incredibly frustrated with my hiding things from him. Being ordered to do this task by him has given me the guts to explore territory I would never have dared go to without that. Wanting to please him, and knowing his tastes, has given me the permission I felt I needed to take bigger risks. The latest pages of my scrapbook are some of the best I have ever done. Maybe one day I will be okay with showing them to the world in general, but for now they are just between me and him.

If I let other things slide for the sake of enjoying the moment, then so be it. My life will still be here when things die down. My inbox may be filling up quickly while it goes untended, but I know that my heart, my work, my blog and my life in general will be better-off for me having become absorbed in something strange, and new, and giving it everything I have. I think the surrender will set me free.